Dear, Dear, DEAREST!
by ragsweas
Summary: Voldemort and the Death eaters begin receiving pretty...disturbing letters from the DA and the ORDER. What's going on?
1. Chapter 1

**So this is just stupid...and i will update it. Please review!**

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Dear Voldemort

HOW ARE YOU? It's been so long! Really, I mean I agree the duel in the graveyard was not very far away but I am missing you! If you are really back, let's duel!

Anyway, so I am writing this letter to you to inform you about the new Defense Teacher we have-Umbridge! She says that you do not exist! I mean, can you believe it Voldemort? SHE SAYS THAT THE DARK LORD DOESN"T EXIST!

I said no, he does and I got detention! Poor me! But you should do something….or else, umbridge will establish the fact that you are not back. Now we don't want that, do we?

Anyways, I will write when I am free next. Everybody sends their greetings!

Your Arch-enemy,

Harry Potter.

P.S.: George's asking how you got your eyes so red? They are working for a prank shop.  
P.S.: Fred wants to know why don't you have a nose? Actually, even was wondering it….why don't you have a nose?  
P.S.: Hermione would like to know how did you study for exams in Hogwarts? Says you were one of the best students. I don't know, because I am not interested.  
P.S.: Ron's asking you to crucio Wormtail-that Bastard slept with him for so many years and with Percy before that. Kindly comply with his wishes!

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As Voldemort put down the letter, he realized that the Boy-who-lived had finally lost it.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Inspired by The Bickering Kingdom's Dear Order members…..**

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Dear Lucius Malfoy,

HEY FERRET DADDY! I want to know, how do you get your hair so shiny? I mean, I am sure you have seen my hair, it's like a bush! How in the name of MERLIN IS YOUR HAIR SO SOFT?

Well, that's all. Hope you reply soon.

A Gryffindor muggleborn that you know very well from your son,"  
Hermione Granger

P.S.: Draco was caught snogging a Hufflepuff in a broom closet last week and when given detention, he said, 'my father will hear about this.' Just inquiring, have you heard it?

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Lucius Malfoy blinked like a fool. Voldemort read and re-read the letter.

"Who's this?" he asked.

"Hermione Granger my lord," Lucius answered, "the mudblood friend of that potter brat and Weasle."

Voldemort sighed and said, "This makes no sense."

"I agree my lord." Lucius said.

Voldemort stood up from his seat and went away. Lucius turned, keeping his calm and walking towards his bedroom. As soon as he opened the door, he screamed. "NARCISSA! OUR SON WAS KISSING A HUFFLEPUFF!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, the response was unexpected, so THANK YOU! Hope this is good enough.**

 **Disclaimer: Nope, don't own it!**

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Wormtail was sitting quietly in a corner as Voldemort and Malfoy discussed something. They didn't notice an owl swooping in until Wormtail squeaked. The two turned to see the owl making its way away and Wormtail shivering from the Howler in front of him.

"Who sent it Wormtail?" Voldemort demanded.

"I don't know my Lord."

"Well, open it!" Lucius barked. "It is nasty when it bursts."

With trembling hands, Wormtail opened the red letter.

"Mr Peter 'Wormtail' Pettigrew." Came the deadly quiet voice of Remus Lupin. "You are hereby banished from the ranks of a marauder and if you are found using it as a title, your magic would be stripped away from you."

"Mr Pettigrew." Came the voice of Sirius Black, "If you value the parts of your body I would suggest running away."

Wormtail didn't need to be told twice. He stood up and ran towards Voldemort.

The howler followed him and Voldemort hissed. Soon, hexes were thrown from the howler. The Dark Lord and the two death eaters ducked but the Howler was very smart. It bent down as the three bent down, it moved as the three swayed and followed their every moment.

Lucius whipped out his wand to bust it away but when he fired a spell, all that came out was a duck. Then another. Then one more.

Finally, the hexes stopped, ending with the joint voices of the remaining marauders. "Hope you understood your lesson and if you didn't do not worry. We have more in stock."

The howler tore itself and Wormtail was left sprouting boils, Lucius with tentacles, Voldemort with hair like Hagrid and a number of ducks quacking around.

The door opened at the precise moment. Narcissa Malfoy entered and froze.

Voldemort sneered and said, "Do you want to say something Narcissa?"

Narcissa's cheek turned pink and holding a hand over her mouth, she turned and ran away.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So here's the new chapter! I am open to request people! If you have any, that is!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognizable...**

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Dear Bellatrix Lestrange and Narcissa Malfoy,

Wotcher Aunts!

I am sure you already know me-Tonks. That's it. that's my name. Nothing else. If you call me anything else, the worse will come to you.

Anyways, how are you? We haven't had the pleasure to meet up over some tea and biscuits and chat! So what do you think, Tomorrow evening, near the Leaky Cauldron around Four? I will be waiting Aunty dearies!

All the love from the world,  
Your lovely niece,  
Tonks.  
(That's my name.)

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Bellatrix and Narrcissa exchanged a look before Bellatrix burnt the letter.

"She wants to met us? Let us meet here!" Bellatrix bellowed.

"Um, Bella, i am not sure..."

"I am sure Cissy!"

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The next day, poor Bellatrix was hit with a cheering charm and spent the next week with the charm. Nobody was crucioed, but Voldemort has tried again and again to remove that horrible week from his mind for ever.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Vold-You know Who,

I can't write your name. You know who I am talking about. I am talking about you. I remember Harry writing you a letter a few days back. Just wondering-have you maybe, you know, crucioed Wormtail?

I still get creeps when I think about that-that rat sleeping in the same bed with me! Please, please crucio him! I-I will do something that will be in your favour. Except killing Harry. I can't do that.

That's it. See ya mate.

Ronald Weasley.

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Voldemort sighed. He cleared his throat and shouted, "WORMTAIL!"

Immediately, a small rat-like man appeared by his side. "Y-yes my Lord?"

The Dark lord aimlessly said, "Crucio."

It barely must have stung that man, but he was howling like an injured dog. Once he lifted the curse, Wormtail, lying there in pain, asked, "Wh-What did I do My lord?"

"Eh, I was just bored. And that Weasley Boy asked for it."


End file.
